I attended a memorial service for my ex-sister-in-law yesterday. She and my brother had their share of differences over the years, but she was always kind to me.
I mourned for a woman who had her share of difficulties. She had diabetes and endured a leg amputation because of it. Later in years she survived a kidney transplant. She died at the age of 53.
Divorce is strange. I still felt a connection to her family even though my brother severed his connection years ago. They entered into my life when I was somewhere around the age of 12, 13, 14 … somewhere in there. I felt I needed to be there.
It made me wonder what people would say about my life. Would my family know how much I love Jesus and desire to live a life that gives Him honor?
I fail so often.
I am quick with my tongue.
I feel pressed on every side sometimes. My parents need me and expect me to be there every other day. My child needs me. My husband has his own set of expectations where I am concerned. Like so many of you, I never have a day of “me time” where I’m not expected to be somewhere or do something for someone else.
Last night I felt pressed and I said something snappy at my husband (because he snapped at me first). Sigh, trust me — we really don’t argue as a norm. When I snapped back, he made a comment and our daughter said, “She does that to me sometimes too.” She said it so innocently — not realizing how those words sent a dagger right into my being. Those words broke me. I sat at the table where I was trying to help someone else and the tears began to flow. My husband and daughter were oblivious to what was happening inside. I was crumbling. All of my anger washed away and I sat there, broken and spilled out.
I never want my child to think of me as mean or snappy. I try so hard to be a good Mom. I never want to pass down any generational mess to her.
I went through the motions of helping a friend, then handling a business card issue, then gave Princess a bath. I couldn’t even speak. All I could do was pour my heart out in my journal.
When I picked my child up out of the tub and wrapped her in her towel, she squeezed me and said I was the best Mommy in the world. Sigh. Yeah, best Mommy who “sometimes does that to [her] too” …
I know that only Jesus is perfect. But would my family truly know my love for Him? Do I fail in reflecting His love with those around me?
What will people remember about me when I leave this earth (60 years from now — unless Jesus returns first)? Memorial services often make me ponder this question.
That is one reason I started writing this blog. I have often felt like I didn’t have a voice. It has been squelched so many times. Here, I can write what is on my heart and nobody can hush me or keep me hidden. I am grateful for this medium. It has been a gift from God.
I don’t know, but that is what is on my heart this morning.
Proverbs 31: 25-31
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Beth, I'm alot like you…I too open my mouth when I need to shut it! That in itself is so hard for me…yet I'm not like that at work or church…just among my family…
Great post….
~Beth
Awww…you sound hard on yourself. We all can be quick with our tongues. It's hard. You should find some me time no matter what though, even if it is just for a pedicure once every couple of weeks…we need me time. I was going to do a post on this sometime in the future. I want to know how many women do not have me time?
Have a good day. XO
I loved your post today… You were being real and authentic. It is when we are at our most vunerable that God comes out the strongest."When we are weak, He is strong." He is so strong in you in this, and I was blessed reading it. Thank you for sharing your true self.
Thank the Lord that while we're not perfect, you desire to be more like Jesus. And He's making you like Him day by day. Love you!
and the point is (as you posted) Jesus is our medium..even to our loved ones..and something I love most is my family kids mostly..are the first to forgive and forget..
totally understand.. 🙂
Thanks for being so open and honest. I need to ponder and pray on "generational curses". Ugh.
I can relate more than you know. But, don't be too hard on your self. You are not to be perfect just like Jesus, though my people expect us to be. We are simply a work in progress.
And part of journey…Heading Towards Destiny….is acknowledging these imperfections/flaws (if you will) and allowing God to do the work that's needed in your heart.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made; a workmanship of God. Be encourage. Do not under any circumstance allow yourself to breakdown from something old, instead breakthrough and break forth into something new.
Blessings to you!! Happy Valentine's Day!!! =D
We can deal with the hurt with pride or becoming humble. And you chose to retreat and fall down at His feet. A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!
The pastor talked about how being Christians, we are all in this long pilgrimage, it's always about faith and often times, we are "unknown". But it's okay because at the end of it, an awesome promise awaits!
Thank you sister for your prayers. Keeping you in mine. God bless.
Just remember this. We all fall short of the glory of God. We ask forgivness, get back up and continue the race set before us.
Beth I am sorry for your pain and sorrow. In the midst of everything, thank you for sharing from your heart. Blessings.
That is one of the many reasons Jesus loves you sis, because you are very real. Please take care, and quit beating yourself up.
I was just today talking to my husband about how I'm rude to him and my sons so much more than I realize and how guilty I feel for being that way. I guess it happens to all of us at some point, but you are working with God to fix it!
Hugs & love,
Mimi
I, too, can relate to some of the things you've shared. I can relate to caring for elderly parents…snapping at hubby and children…feeling overwhelmed and guilty. Shew, I went through years of pre-menopausal/menopausal temper tantrums and meltdowns. I felt like hubby and the boys needed t-shirts that said, "We survived the BIG M!"
I think you have even more on your plate as the wife of a farmer. Y'all stay soooo busy all of the time! I get worn out just reading about the corn maze and selling Christmas trees, and all the work that goes along with farming!
Try not to be too hard on yourself, and realize that it's okay to ask others for help or say no to things outside of your home or family.
I'm praying for you, sweet friend!
Hugs…
This post was perfect for me today, I yelled at Joel today and he told me, "I want to go live with God"…I thought wow…I guess he has been taught what God is really like and he knows I am not that perfect. When I snap all I can do is apologize and let them know what they did or what I was thinking when I snapped. Kids are resilient, they forget quickly and down deep inside they know our love more than anything.
We are not perfect. God has made each one of us different and through our life on earth He makes it possible to become more like what He would want us to be. Beth you are a wonderful mom and wife, I am sure. We all fall short and your post of honesty has truly ministered to me….Love you friend.