I know this is my 3rd post for today (forgive me — I’m catching up from my lack of posts last week).
When I saw the topic at the Well, I wanted to participate. Laurie discussed “mean girls” and how they were even around in the bible.
She posed the following questions:
What do we do when we come across a mean girl?
As a Titus 2 woman, how can we raise our daughters to not be a mean girl?
Looking back, can you remember a time that you were a victim of a mean girl… how did you overcome?
Looking back, can you remember a time that you WERE a mean girl… what changed you?
When I saw this topic, it immediately reminded me of an incident that happened a few years ago. I have wanted to discuss it, but have only shared it with a few of my closest friends. There is no way any of you would know this person and I definitely don’t want to hurt or embarrass her! I think I’m safe to share in this post.
What do I do when I come across a mean girl? Honestly, I avoid them. It is amazing how it can take me right back to primary school when I wasn’t as assertive or sure of myself.
How can I raise my daughter to not be a mean girl? I am teaching her to have a heart for others and be tender towards others. God has really given her a heart of love and compassion — so she hasn’t needed much guidance from Mommy in this area. I think children learn by example.
When was I a victim of a mean girl? Well, the most recent time was so hurtful. First let me say that I don’t think this person is “mean” per se, but maybe a wounded — even insecure person perhaps. The outer shell would never dictate that, because she is pretty in the world’s standards … thin, cute clothes, beautiful family, Christian family, etc … With that said, here is what happened.
I have known her since my husband and I met (we’ve been married almost 20 years). I met her through him. She doesn’t live near us, but has visited us a couple of times over the years. One time we hopped in our truck to take her to see someone in our family, and she got in the front seat between me and my husband. Ok, that was so strange to me but I let it slide. I mean, what adult woman would do that?
My husband and I had just survived a horrible attack on our marriage back in 2003. A man had been sent by satan himself (seriously, I have no doubt) to bring division in our marriage. He told me everything I wanted ot hear from my husband at the time. This guy was nothing but a wounded soul himself. I’m not blaming him, but the enemy (and I take responsibility for my own thoughts I entertained as well). Satan was definitely setting us up, but BY THE GRACE OF GOD we were protected and so was our marriage. It was at the end of this season that this other incident happened.
One morning the Lord told me to check my husband’s email. We know each others passwords — no big deal. I never had a reason to check his email, but I was glad I did in this case. This Christian woman was supposed to go out to dinner with me and my husband while she was in town. She had emailed him with the comment that she had hoped it would only be the two of them (not with me). Even typing this I feel my heart racing.
I was so shocked. This woman is happily married (as far as I know), but my husband and I had just escaped this same type of mess and we weren’t about to open the door to this kind of attack. After discussing this with him, I told this “friend” that I didn’t feel comfortable with her coming to see us that weekend because of what was said. My SIL knows this lady and agreed that I was doing the right thing. She felt it was inappropriate too.
I never said that I didn’t want her to be friends with my husband, but she freaked out and left me one of the most hurtful messages I have ever received. She said she was going to tell her parents on me (what?!?!?) and that she was calling to tell my husband good-bye. It was so weird! But the worst part was her accusation that I WAS NOT A CHRISTIAN and that I hid behind my Christianity. Those words still haunt me today. God knows my heart and I love Him more than anyone or anything. On this message she left, she said how she had been through so much in her life. Well, get in line! I have too. Most of us have, ya know?
This woman really doesn’t know me — and though she isn’t a “mean” person, that was one of the cruelest things someone has ever said to me. My husband and I were sort of speechless about what had transpired. I’m telling you — even today this will surface out of the blue and I’ll tell my husband, “You know, she really owes me an apology for that comment” though as a Christian — we can’t wait for apologies to offer forgiveness. I have never been anything but kind to her.
She has “sort of” come back into our lives lately. I am praying that I can receive her in the love of Christ. I really do think she just wanted some type of affirmation or something — not sure. But my husband wasn’t the one who needed to meet that need. In no way do I think I was wrong in sharing that I didn’t feel comfortable with her visit that weekend. I’m sure in her eyes I WAS THE MEAN ONE.
When was I a mean girl? I guess there have been times when I have tried to protect myself or my family — like with the incident above. People could have perceived me as being mean. Honestly though, I don’t think I have a mean bone in my body. Of course we are all born with wickedness in our hearts, and I know my flesh rules sometimes — but I really am a merciful person because of Jesus. But IF there is anything truly good in me, it is because of Him.
Please pray that I won’t feel uncomfortable around this person. I don’t want to hurt her or feel uneasy around her either. I wish it had never happened, but I’m glad God intervened in that flirty email. She has contacted my husband again and is playing it safe with “if Beth doesn’t want us to be friends” — but even in that comment it seems like I am being blamed. Oh my … it just isn’t a good situation. Either way, I will look like the “bad guy” I guess. I am praying my husband will have wisdom and discernment how to handle this “friend” from his childhood.
God help us all. I want to walk in mercy and grace … mercy triumphs over judgment. Any advice?
Visit others participating in this discussion HERE.
I would hope in that type of situation I would handle it with grace and dignity, but I would not feel the need to let that person back in my life. It is possible to forgive without having to be friends. That's got to be the reddest flag I've seen in a long time, so sorry to hear that.
OK…wow! You really are transparent with writing this and I thank you. I too have been married almost 20 years and Beth…you can't let the enemy continually "quietly dog" you about her saying "if Beth doesn't want us to be friends…" stuff. My husband is a youth minister and math teacher and is quite outgoing…I have had to pray that God will give him the words when people…correction women…overstep their boundaries. He has learned that what he might think is inappropriate actually is and vise versa (since I have a bad habit of being a flirt.) If you come off as the "MEAN" one because you are putting up boundaries in your marriage then so be it…I pray you won't be uncomfortable around this woman and I even feel uncomfortable with her contacting your husband…I'm praying also that your husband has a hedge around him and protection from demonic influences on his marriage…which can be her contacts…I'm sorry to sound so harsh…but this is life folks and we are fighting a spiritual battle. Sorry…you really wrote on something that touches a nerve… I tell you by God's grace has my marriage stood the test of time and by God's grace has we stayed committed. My husband and I have been blessed to start True Love Waits before it was popular and we aren't throwing that kind of committment away. Folks think small things are innocent and ok…but that's how sin sneaks in…the old boundaries are slowly moved…line upon line…anyhoo…Blessings…'cause I could on about this topic forever….
Oh and they're been many times I've been a mean girl…but I've written too much now!
I can't even write on here everything I think about this…I will call you!
I posted on this subject as well and yes I agree with you that avoidance is one of the best ways it seems as if they have the a sense of wanting to get a result and when it does not happen they do not win and may leave you alone
Thank you for sharing so openly today. It is so vital to be alert to the enemy and his tactics. Prayers will be with you as you deal with this situation. May you continue to walk in mercy and grace. Only advice is to continue to seek the Lord and follow His leading. He will supply the wisdom that is needed.
Popped in from SITS to say hi!
Beth,
I'm sorry but with all that I am, I do not think this is a healthy thing at all. I feel a lot of alarm with the whole situation. It's like a weed has been lying dormant for a couple of years strengthening to rise up and choke the beautiful rose. No, m'aam, it's not good. The "if Beth doesn't want us to be friends" is clue enough that she is immature and still looking for affirmation. It wasn't your husband last time that should give it to her and it's not this time either.
Funny how this comes along while you're doing the The Praying Wife thing, isn't it? satan….
Please let me know what happens.
Love you!
Ummm. Beth I forgot I have a little something for you under this Sunday over on my blog and…
Conkie…
you're right…heaven blesses and then hell tries to blast.
Hey Beth,
I would like to thank you for your openness on this topic and I also want to let you know that you are not alone in being a victim of "meanness" in the Christian realm.
Recently, I also experienced a "mean girl" in my life. In my church. With someone in ministry. This person's words ripped thru me and when I addressed it with her, it somehow got turned around that I WAS THE MEAN GIRL. arrgghh. After much time in prayer about this situation, I came to the same realization that you are talking about … and that is the problem isn't really with meanness as it is that there is something else amiss that causes a person to act out in mean ways.
Your story reminded me of the recent BETH MOORE bible study I did on the book of Esther. Beth talked about the mean girls that go after our husbands. You know the ones that dress inappropiately and say inappropriate things to our men. They are just downright MEAN. You have every right to guard your relationship and stay clear of such mean girls. Believe me, when a woman dresses a certain way to get the eye of your man … she is doing it on purpose and that is just mean no matter how you look at it! – love ya, Laurie
Is it possible to not have that person in your hubby's life anymore? May the Lord cover you and your husband with His protection and discernment. God bless sister Beth.
I agree with the comment that part of her reaction is that she doesn't like the boundaries you AND David set (he agreed that it wasn't appropriate). Of course, this woman sees you as the one to blame. And you and David are totally 100% right to put those boundaries up. I refuse to let most men in my house without Leon home (an exception would be one of our dads, brother-in-law, nephews, certain friends). It's inappropriate, and even if everything is innocent, the appearance is bad enough. Be friends too long with someone of the opposite sex, and it could very well turn into something it shouldn't turn into. And whenever you feel her judgment on you about you being the mean one, just remember that God has your reputation secure in His hands and all of us who know you know the problem is not with you.
Love you! Jo Jo
Wow, as I read this post, your situation is so similar to one I recently went through within the youtube community, except it was one mean boy, strike boy, man!!! Throw in the mix another man whose kind words tickled my ears…and there was trouble. The mean man questioned my salvation, and let me tell you…that's the biggest way anyone has EVER hurt me. Thank you for sharing and being so transparent. ((hugs)) from one who can relate.
I appreciate your honesty! You're not alone in this, I know the Devil tries his very hardest to destroy marriages.. the most sacred covenant between man and woman :o) and it sounds like you claimed victory. PTL!!!
Keep using your testimony, it is powerful and it be used to help other women 🙂
Hi Beth,
I am sure that this was not an easy post to write, but I appreciate that you did.
I think you are one of the truest, most open, most transparent women that I have met blogging.
You are such a walking testament of faith and the love of Jesus.
You are an amazing person and I pray that you will feel God's strength as you deal with this person in the future. You know He led you to the email and He stood by you through the conflict. He will get you and your husband through this too.
Thank you for your blog. You inspire me.
Pray hard and know God's answer before you let this woman back in your lives. I see big red flags here that only God can take away. I'll be praying for wisdom and discernment for you, and your husband.
Beth,
You are such an open book. You have no idea just how many lives you've led to redemption through Christ's saving grace. You never fail to move me in a powerful and significant way! Makes me say to myself, "I want to be just like her!" Once again, you have blessed my socks off!
I, like all the others, pray that God will reveall His infinite wisdom in you and show you how to deal with the situation you're facing. There is NOTHING that you and God can't handle together!
I think you are a very wise woman of God and have no doubt that He speaks to you about boundaries. Look at how you heard to open hubby's email. You sound like a loving couple who prays and discerns. May He guide you with His answers.
Thanks for being so open, praying over you and your husband.
Wow, I think this situation is beyond mean. I don't even see this as mean, but a calculated attempt to find something that was not there. I think you should not even sort of allow this person into your lives.
The best way to teach our girls about not being mean is by example. It is not enough to teach them scripture, but us to model every single day what kindness is, even in the most difficult of situations. I may seeth at the meaniness of another, and behind closed door say a thing or two but I have tried my entire life to model kindness and use the meanies of others to teach. Not always easy that is for sure.
My Dear Friend,
I feel deep inside that it is not a good thing to have this person in your lives. Yes, you should forgive and still love this person, as that is what God wants all of us to do, but I don't feel that it is healthy for anyone's marriage to continue with a close relationship with someone who tried to pull you both apart. It is wise to put up boundaries.
I will be praying that God shows you the right thing to do.
I haven't been able to get into your blog site in a while when using Internet Explorer. I just downloaded Mozilla Firefox today and now I'm now able to. I've missed coming here.
Love you sweet sister,
Alleluiabelle
I'm gonna respond via email, okay?
Love you!
Beth
Beth,
Thank you for sharing this. A similar thing happened to my husband and I a few years ago. My husband works in the medical field and around a majority of women. A traveling nurse almost destroyed us. I believe that she was brought into our lives directly from the devil. Our situation ended up being a happy one. He woke up and smelled the roses. We were having some difficulties during this time and it'd amazes me to this day how quickly Satan entered the picture. She is no longer in the picture and has moved far away.
My husband has women friends and they are all a blessing to him. They are Christian and give him wonderful support. I am thankful for them.
I think you have a right to be concerned about this woman. Stick to your boundaries especially since this woman has not been honorable in the past.
I'll be praying for you!
Mercy triumphs over judgement!
Oh wow, I would have lost it.
Don't let her near your house!!! You can fool me once, but I will be damn if you fool me again Satan. And wearing the same disguise?!?! No!!!!
Yikes! Praise God that you were able to find out and save your marriage.
So happy that I can post on your site today. 😀