Well, it depends on the day, but mostly I just have moments of tears here and there — then I go on with my life.
Saturday morning was sad. I checked the voice mail on my phone and I had a couple of messages from my Mom. She ended her calls with, “I love you” … Then I found a voice mail from a very concerned caregiver who had called me around 1:30am because Daddy was being aggressive. That was a horrible morning. People call what happened as “breaking out” of medications. He seemed to be stronger than usual (even on the Morphine) and was determined to get up out of his chair (even though he had been too weak). I had somehow buried the pain and trauma of that event, but the call brought back the emotions.
My daughter was at a friend’s house Saturday morning, so I ran errands — just me and my thoughts. I finally realized that the heaviness of the situation was literally sitting on me. I noticed I wasn’t breathing as deeply as normal. I began to pray in the Spirit for a long time as I drove and my friend also prayed for me. It lifted off and I was fine the rest of the time.
Sunday, I didn’t want to go to church. I thought with it being Father’s Day I would be super emotional, but it didn’t happen that way. As soon as people saw me entering the church they began hugging me and asking how I was. Their mercy, pity, and concern began to stir up some pain, but after I got my eyes off of myself during worship I was fine. However, Sunday night while we were in bed my husband asked how I was doing and I started crying. He asked if I felt relieved. Hmmmm. I told him that I couldn’t feel relieved that I would not see my parents again on this side of heaven, but I would never want them back like they were. At the same time, it is foreign for my thoughts not to be centered around their care. Adjustments will take place over time.
I really am fine. I think I am grieving normally. I am going on with my life with pockets of tears here and there.
My eating is back on track, thankfully. Since June 8th I have lost 5.6 pounds (that is 6 pounds if you ask me). Ah, so many more to go, but at least the scale is going in the right direction again. For the past year all of my “eating healthy” habits had been buried in the responsibilities of my parents. That is really just an excuse, though valid — but I didn’t spend the extra energy to make wise choices. I just grabbed whatever I could put in my mouth. I also pushed down a lot of pain with chocolate and other comfort foods. I even felt myself doing it. Pain would begin to rise up and I would smother it with gravy! I even tried to remove my weight loss photos at the top of my blog because I felt like such a hypocrite, but for some reason the page was hidden from me and I couldn’t delete it. Maybe God didn’t want me to take it down because it encourages others. Now it will have to encourage me as I am back on the weight loss train. Anyway, I am back on track and for that I am grateful. No more counting points on Weight Watchers. I tried getting back on that last year and I lost 17 pounds (of which I found again), but for me — being able to eat whatever I wanted was just an open door. For whatever reason – cutting out the junk food has been the best lifestyle for me. So, I have cut out the white flour again and sugar too. The removal of pre-processed foods was originally the Weight Watcher Core Plan that I did online. You can probably find a web site with the Core Plan information still floating around on the Internet if you’re interested.
There is the answer to how I’m doing in a nutshell. Tomorrow is Mama’s funeral. It will be graveside, family only, short and sweet. I would appreciate your prayers.
Have a blessed Monday everyone!
Photo: 1. Cloud shot taken at my house. 2. Photo taken of me and my Mom in July 2008.