Revelation, Tears, and Hope

Francine Rivers did it again.  She caught me in the middle of one of her God-given novels pictured here.

My husband gave me a Kindle Fire for Christmas.  I have rebelled against turning to an electronic book for a couple of years now, but I must admit — I enjoyed reading this electronically.  I didn’t have to find a corner with perfect lighting and it was very easy to hold.   (Thank you hubby!)

This novel caused me to reflect on the similarities between me and the main character.  It is amazing how God can take years of pain and dysfunction and turn things around for His good pleasure.

Even in my own life I can look back at some of the most painful moments and see how God so gently used them to help me mature (though I still have a ways to go).   The book led me to reminisce about the path my own life has taken me so far.

I dealt with rejection as a child, then as a adult.  I married my prince charming to discover that life isn’t like a fairytale, but can be difficult and unfair sometimes.   Many things about our first years of marriage caused me to be bitter and resentful.   With bitterness comes a cry for help, but what we women might see as a cry for help could seem like nagging or pecking by a man.  God definitely made us different for a reason.

God knows what we need and who we need in our lives.   His timing is everything!

It was time for me to read this book.  I really haven’t had a chance to really grieve over the loss of my parents (though Daddy died in May and Mama in June).  Yes, I have cried here and there, but there isn’t a pause button and life had to continue.  Clothes still needed washing … child and husband still needed their needs met … corn maze … Christmas and now … rest.    This story took me back to the moments leading up to my Daddy’s death.  The oxygen, the sound of the machine running.  The pain of it all.  The heart-wrenching pain!   Then the pain and regrets of my Mom.  The hospital equipment that filled their already crowded home.  The smell and picture of death …

My daughter and husband were away for a period as I read yesterday and I sobbed.  I didn’t have to worry about someone walking in or hearing me.  I just SOBBED!  I needed to get it out.  The pain … the absolute pain of what I went through as my parent’s child.    Throughout the holidays my husband continued to say comments like , “You have been through so much this year” or “I’m proud of you for handing everything the way you have.”  Gulp.  I swallowed down the pain.  I couldn’t let it surface because I wasn’t in a safe place to let it out.  I have pushed it down with brownies, cake, Cokes, whatever was around at the time.

With all of that said …

Looking back over the painful moments in my life with 40+ year-old vision actually brings clarity that 30+ eyes couldn’t see.

If you are a fairly newly married woman (or even a seasoned married woman like me), I highly recommend reading this wonderful novel by Francine Rivers.

You may just see yourself within this novel as I have.

God bless you all!  Thanks for visiting me.

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