Why is it always so much easier to see the fault in another than see the plank in your own eye?
Many years ago when a pastor would say something that was an issue in my life, my husband would elbow me really hard and laugh to draw attention to me. During those moments, I sat there — immovable so he couldn’t sway me with his push — with ALL sorts of thoughts that were better left unsaid rolling through my mind. Like I said, this happened years ago — so don’t get angry with my man. We have both matured a lot over the years and we were just kids when we married. I’m sure I have done worse to him.
It is painful to watch someone throw their spouse “under the bus” just so they don’t have to deal with their own issues. Haven’t we all done that at some point?
Oh yes, I could easily say, “I’m overweight because he brings all of these sweets into the house.” Well, it is true that my husband DOES have a sweet tooth, but I am an adult — responsible for my own choices.
I think the blame game is usually the fruit of something much deeper. Perhaps some of the following are the true culprits:
If we aren’t secure with who we are in Christ, it is DEFINITELY easier to blame someone other than ourselves. And if we haven’t gone through inner healing and deliverance then we are looking through a skewed perception. When a person is wounded, everything they see and receive comes through a dirty filter. They can’t even fully receive God’s love. I know from experience – that used to be ME!
So what do we married people do?
What hope is there since most of us have our own issues to work through?
Pray and Seek
Our 24th wedding anniversary is coming up this fall. God has been faithful to bring us through so much over the years and it hasn’t always been easy. The first 7 years of our marriage were really hard for me (though my husband was happy). Talk about building the foundation of a marriage in pain and resentment. Oh my! I realized during those years that I COULD NOT look to my husband to make me happy. Only God could truly comfort my heart and meet my needs. Though that was a hard lesson to learn — it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I started out a young bride who already had issues of rejection and abandonment. Then I married a young man who was so wrapped up with his work (etc ..) that he didn’t cleave to me. Everything that would have been handled differently by two spiritually healthy people actually created more heart-wounds. (Don’t get me wrong. I married a good man who has been a wonderful provider for me and our daughter. This was my perception as a young bride.)
Do you see from my own example how we can only look to God to fill any voids in our hearts? Wounded people can’t heal wounded people. Only Jesus — who was wounded FOR US can bring healing and soundness of mind & heart.
God is the supplier of what we need. And He is our Healer. We must take the magnifying glass off of our spouses and place them on our own hearts.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Each of us should ask the Lord to show us the condition on our heart. You might be surprised by what He shows you.
Seek the healing YOU need and leave your spouse in God’s Hands. Yes, PRAY of course. Speak LIFE over your spouse and over your marriage — but know this truth: YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM. You can’t change yourself so don’t even try to change your spouse. It takes time, but allow the Holy Spirit to do what only He can do — yes, even in YOU.
I had all kinds of issues that needed healing in my life. I still see areas that needs softening by the Spirit of God … and I will continue to see things while I am here on earth.
My point in writing this post is to encourage you to take your eyes OFF of your spouse and place them on yourself (better yet – place your eyes on JESUS).
How can YOU change?
How can YOU do things differently?
How is YOUR walk with Jesus?
How is YOUR quiet time with God?
When we cross over into eternity, I don’t think we will be able to blame anyone else for decisions and actions. Now is a great time to become an encourager versus a blamer. (I am speaking to myself as well.)
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