After reading my devotional this morning and reading scripture, I decided to turn to the first page of my journal. I began this particular journal March 17, 2013.
Whoa, how a year can change things!
I needed to read the words I had recorded almost a year ago. I was on FIRE for the Lord and was stretching with the prophetic classes I was taking through The Church at New Bern.
I began to wonder how I got myself into this current situation. Since October, I have been in the strangest place. Was it due to my grumbling and complaining when the corn maze season was here? Grumbling does open a door to the enemy. I knew better, and I know better. Things began to spiral and I suddenly felt complacent and somewhat numb — going through the motions and through the expectations placed upon me each day.
Last year at this time I was operating in the gift of prophecy. Today, I am trying to stay on top of my duties. So strange.
Who moved? Did God?
Who changed? Does God change?
A few weeks ago we met with members of our old life group. After awhile our friend and pastor asked each couple, “So what has been going on in your lives?” Oh no! I knew I couldn’t speak. We were the last couple … I choked back the tears. Each wife spoke and shared what was happening around them, but when it was our turn – my husband spoke. How could he even know the battle within me? He had no idea how I wanted to burst into tears and run out of the room. None of them did. I sat there and listened to him share what has been going on in our lives (which was really what was going on in his world – with his Mom, etc …). I kept it together, but God heard my pain and cry from my heart. I couldn’t express it to the group in the room because I didn’t even know what was going on with me. I just knew that spiritually I wasn’t happy. I was stuck in some type of spiritual muck and mire.
So … with all of this dumped onto this blog post for all to read …
This morning after I read my devotional, read the Bible, and wrote in my journal – I decided to start fanning the gifts of the Spirit within my belly again. I started watching a video that The Church at New Bern made while Gary Oates was speaking. I knew he was confirming what I already felt in my heart. I was the one who needed to MOVE and PURSUE. In the past when I have walked in joy and freedom, it was because I was seeking, knocking, and opening.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
My struggle has been internal. Even my own husband and daughter haven’t known my thoughts, but God has. He is my Abba Father and is ever-present.
Why am I sharing all of this today? Good question. I guess I just wanted to encourage others who might feel stuck. We need to pursue our First Love.
Song of Solomon 1:2-4
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
For your love is better than wine.
Because of the fragrance of your good ointments,
Your name is ointment poured forth;
Therefore the virgins love you.
Draw me away!
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