He is Here

IndepdenceVawaterfall

After reading my devotional this morning and reading scripture, I decided to turn to the first page of my journal.   I began this particular journal March 17, 2013.

Whoa, how a year can change things! 

I needed to read the words I had recorded almost a year ago.   I was on FIRE for the Lord and was stretching with the prophetic classes I was taking through The Church at New Bern.

I began to wonder how I got myself into this current situation.    Since October, I have been in the strangest place.  Was it due to my grumbling and complaining when the corn maze season was here?   Grumbling does open a door to the enemy.   I knew better, and I know better.    Things began to spiral and I suddenly felt complacent and somewhat numb — going through the motions and through the expectations placed upon me each day.

Last year at this time I was operating in the gift of prophecy.  Today, I am trying to stay on top of my duties.  So strange.

Who moved?  Did God?

Who changed?  Does God change?

A few weeks ago we met with members of our old life group.  After awhile our friend and pastor asked each couple, “So what has been going on in your lives?”  Oh no!  I knew I couldn’t speak.   We were the last couple … I choked back the tears.  Each wife spoke and shared what was happening around them, but when it was our turn – my husband spoke.  How could he even know the battle within me?  He had no idea how I wanted to burst into tears and run out of the room.  None of them did.  I sat there and listened to him share what has been going on in our lives (which was really what was going on in his world – with his Mom, etc …).  I kept it together, but God heard my pain and cry from my heart.    I couldn’t express it to the group in the room because I didn’t even know what was going on with me.   I just knew that spiritually I wasn’t happy.   I was stuck in some type of spiritual muck and mire.

So … with all of this dumped onto this blog post for all to read …

This morning after I read my devotional, read the Bible, and wrote in my journal – I decided to start fanning the gifts of the Spirit within my belly again.   I started watching a video that The Church at New Bern made while Gary Oates was speaking.   I knew he was confirming what I already felt in my heart.   I was the one who needed to MOVE and PURSUE.  In the past when I have walked in joy and freedom, it was because I was seeking, knocking, and opening.

James 4:8
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

My struggle has been internal.  Even my own husband and daughter haven’t known my thoughts, but God has.   He is my Abba Father and is ever-present.

Why am I sharing all of this today?   Good question.   I guess I just wanted to encourage others who might feel stuck.   We need to pursue our First Love.

Song of Solomon 1:2-4
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
For your love is better than wine.
Because of the fragrance of your good ointments,
Your name is ointment poured forth;
Therefore the virgins love you.
Draw me away!

I am linking with Barbie for her Weekend Brew.   Please click on her button below:

5 Comments

  1. Beth, I’m so glad you shared this today. It encouraged me today. I think we always need the reminder to pursue Him. Whether feeling stuck or coasting along, if we are not pursing Him we aren’t fully living. And I simply just love reading how He is moving in the life of others. I will keep you in my prayers. Sending hugs your way.
    Much love,
    Beth

    Reply
  2. Hello Beth and Happy New Year!

    You encouraged my heart with this post. I found myself in the same situation regarding moving out in my gifting. I need to move and pursue my calling so I can Recapture (my word for this year)the joy I had from moving in the fullness of joy that God called me into.

    Thank you for being open and honest. You blessed me.

    ~ Cassandra from Renaissance Women
    Visiting via The Weekend Brew

    Reply
  3. Thank you for sharing from your heart Beth. Often when I find myself in odd sorts, I realize it is me who has wandered. As a Christian of many years, it can be all too easy to lose our first love. So thankful that He has not gone anywhere but is patiently waiting for me to return. What amazing love!

    Blessings and love,
    Debbie

    Reply
  4. Beth,
    I have read this blog post at least three times and each time I have cried. Going through the emotions and expectations placed upon me is something that I know all to well. I sometimes feel like I am non existent in my husbands eyes as his wife and partner anymore, and when I want to talk to him about this, he never does. I’ve turned everything over to God and I know he will help me do the right thing.
    Thank you again for such a beautiful post.

    Reply
  5. Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. I’ve been sensing His pull, to return to my first love. I too have been known to function at a much higher level in spiritual things than I have been. I am the one who have moved, become complacent and content with where I am. Oh may I never become satisfied!

    Reply

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