I hope the title got your attention.

NO, of course the Lord didn’t literally hit me in the head, but He certainly has been convicting me!

Proverbs 3:12
Because the LORD disciplines those He loves

I am an open book folks. I try to share my struggles and my triumphs in hopes that it will help someone else and give God the glory. With that said … I am having some serious stuff surface that I must overcome.

I’m not sure how to say this without giving too much information (in case the parties involved read my blog), but here I go …

I have been experiencing RAGE (I don’t think I’m exaggerating). Anger at the purest form. Frustration. Agitation. But burning hot anger — so I guess I’d say rage.

Someone I love was treated in an unfair, unjust manner. And wow did a lot of horrible stuff surface. Seriously, if you could have heard my thoughts (and even some of my words), you wouldn’t have believed it was ME.

This past week I have been sinning in my REACTION to the ACTIONS of others.

I knew it, yet I didn’t stopped it. My thoughts and my tongue were like an open furnace, full of anger.

Psalm 39:3
My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue:

See, as in that scripture, my first problem was MEDITATING on what someone had done — the frustration and the injustice of it all — the AUDACITY of some people. I should have captured those thoughts, cast them down, and meditated on what was good, pure, and holy. Things that were pleasing to the Lord.

I felt conviction each time I’ve allowed this hot anger to ooze from my lips. It isn’t something I am proud of and it isn’t something that reflects my love for Jesus.

Even outside of this situation, when I felt pressed up against a wall, this ugliness that doesn’t reflect the heart of my Father has surfaced. Remember how I wanted to throw a temper tantrum a few posts back?

As Father God is always true to His nature … EVERYWHERE I TURNED YESTERDAY I saw things like this:

“As unjust as it may seem, your reaction to what hurt you was as far from the will of God as the actions were of those who hurt you. In fact, your reaction has actually become a part of your nature. You can be delivered from that oppression on your soul by releasing and forgiving those who hurt you. To the degree that you truly let the incident go and forgive the offender, to that same degree God will restore your soul to a balanced and healthy attitude towards people. As you increase in this process of forgiveness, you will grow in love …” (The Three Battlegrounds, by Francis Frangipane, 37).

I’m guessing the Lord wanted to make SURE I didn’t miss it. Even though I was feeling convicted and even though I was disgusted with myself — it wasn’t enough to stop me. BUT the paragraph above shook me out of my stupor!

I found the quote mentioned above on a new blog I discovered: Melodramamma. This sister in Christ apparently went to our church before we started attending.

Anyway … AS I read her post and stumbled upon (uh, before the Holy Spirit MAGNIFIED) this quote — I was listening to TBN in the background. I’m not kidding, at the same time the host and lady being interviewed started talking about the EXACT same subject!!!

Yes Father, I heard You.

I didn’t go to bed until around mid night … repenting, repenting, repenting …

I finally had the realization that I had been around this mountain before. Yes, it seemed familiar (sigh). I know, I know … I’m no better than the Israelites — around and around I go until I get it right.

I have tried to forgive. Even though I doubt a heart-felt apology would EVER be presented to the one who has been kind and reflected God’s heart (not me — my loved one), I still must forgive.

I am trying to forgive. It is my heart and my WILL to forgive and I know God will help me (once I get my confession in line with His word).

Here is the prophesy bulletin I opened this morning …

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns — July 15, 2010:

Beloved, it is time for you to divorce yourself from the devil and everything he has done to bring you down in defeat. Cut him off and refuse to allow him access to your activities, your bank account, your mind, your emotions and your will. He has intruded, taken liberties, and violated your boundaries. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get out of your life and refuse to allow him back in, says the Lord. Enough is enough!

James 4:7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

(Marsha’s web site HERE.)

So here I sit again. At the foot of the FORGIVENESS mountain. Not only that, but now I must allow God’s Word to bathe my mind — renew my mind — restore my mind and my heart.

I recently had a friend tell me that I had it all together. I tried to convince her that I DIDN’T. It is only by the grace of God that I have victory in any area (and honestly, I don’t know of one area where I feel complete victory). I still have such a long way to go.

I am leaving town this morning (Thursday), so I am post dating this for Friday. I won’t be able to visit your blogs until Saturday evening or Sunday, but thanks for coming by and leaving a comment.

I appreciate your prayers. It isn’t my desire to sin or to grieve the Holy Spirit. Please pray I can get this RIGHT this time. Sigh.

God bless you all …

(photo credit)