I’m sure you all are growing weary of me writing about my Mom, but as always — I share whatever I’m going through on my blog. I can’t help myself.
I thought if I could get my Mom to a facility where she could have 24/7 care I would have “peace of mind” and have more freedom. Well, that was a pipe-dream. I didn’t take into consideration how my mercy would come into play and how difficult it would be to leave my Mom in the hands of complete strangers.
I have been up to the rehab each day and it sure is hard to leave her room.
It isn’t fair. She and Daddy have been together all of these years and they should be able to end their lives in their home that they built together.
Deuteronomy 5:16
Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you.
Tonight I have been trying to figure out a way to keep her in her home. Most of you haven’t had to face this (just like I hadn’t), but let me explain something about Medicare. I was told that Medicare would pay for THREE months of rehab. Guess how much a bed cost a day in these facilities. Are you sitting? Between $400 – $500 A DAY! Medicare completely covers 19 days, but from day 20 to day 100, WE will have to pay over $140 a day. Where will that come from?
Then we have the option of those “in home” caregivers that you can pay $20/$21 an hour! Where does that money come from?
I know I am not alone in trying to figure out this stuff. I just found this web site and I realized that there were others out there just like me. Quotes from: http://www.eldercare.com/
Women provide the majority of informal care to spouses, parents, in-laws, friends and neighbors, and they play many roles while care giving such as hands-on health provider, care manager, friend, companion, advocate. Most seniors with long-term care needs rely exclusively on family and friends to provide assistance, most often a daughter, granddaughter or sister.
Adult children of these seniors often find it difficult to help their parents make the right choices. What happens if a caregiver begins to feel stress and find perhaps that they are unable to continue in their role? This creates a crisis in the family where a decision may have to be made to send the senior to a long-term care facility or nursing home or other residential care facility. It is a role reversal when the parent becomes the child. Parents will become dependent on their children who will then have to arrange their meals, pay their bills, take them to their doctor visiting, sit by their bedsides at the hospital and in the nursing home. However, children of seniors can feel like they belong to the “sandwich generation“, looking after their own children as well as looking after an elderly parent, taking them to medical appointments, etc.
Wow, was someone following me around or what?
Sigh …
Below is a picture of my Mom and her dear friend Minerva. Her friend is in this rehab because three months ago she was driving to visit my parents and had a horrible wreck. She almost died, but praise God — she is recovering and gaining strength. I’m sad that they are visiting in the rehab, but Minerva being there has been a blessing. They have been friends for 50 years.
My parents don’t want to be in this position. How can I help their last years/months/days be better? What do I do?!?!?!?! I know that no matter what, God is going to be with us. I just want to do whatever I can to make the last times of their lives BETTER if possible.
Please pray I will hear clearly. I want them to be as happy and comfortable as possible.
Big decisions but I know God is faithful to guide you in the way you should go……I will be praying for you and your parents….He is never late but right on time……
It is so sad and certainly something a lot of people face daily. Seeing my mom cope with my grandparents' failing health was definitely the hardest on me. When my Grandpa recently passed, my mom had the assurance that he was in Heaven and God gave her a peace that just amazed me. I don't think I saw her cry but just a little during the first viewing. Lean on him…he will guide your footsteps and decision-making during this difficult time.
I will keep you and your parents in my prayers. The world needs more daughters like you! Like Tara said, lean on the Lord, He will guide you. (((Hugs)))
I'm thinking of how pleased God was with Solomon because he asked God for wisdom. I'm praying that God pour out His wisdom here and lead you in each and every step. I praise Him for His faithfulness in these tough situations. I love your compassionate heart.
Praying,
Mary
Oh Beth, God is faithful and He will give you the wisdom and the peace in how to proceed. I am sure this is one of the most difficult seaons in your life. I will be praying for you my friend.
Oh Beth…my heart hurts for you….I have been in your exact shoes. Only you, through God's help, will be able to decide what is best for your mother…and daddy. My daddy died 18 years ago so as mother began to have "health" issues – mostly spinal fractures from severe osteoporosis, she would spend time in rehab and then would come to either my older sister's home or my home to stay until well enough to go back to her home. Eventually, though, it got to where she could no longer stay at her own home, which meant she would live with us…and did. Difficult? Very!! But for me, in my heart, that was the best for mother, even though we did set her up in assisted living after rehab to live at a very nice nursing facility…but then I brought her to my home to live with me, knowing that her days were numbered. Very hard, because she became mentally confused in the last few months as well, yet I have never regretted making the decision to bring her to our home to live with us.
I will pray that God will give you guidance and direction. It is not an easy task at all, but through His help, you will be able to make the right decisions.
Love and Blessings!
~Beth
Beth – I pray that God will give you wisdom. I know this is difficult for you.
You are a caring and devoted daugher.
Blessings,
Joan
I'm in the same position with an 89 year old dad who is slowly deteriorating. Problem is that all 4 daughters want him to live with them but he does not want to leave his home. What does one do? He would love us to leave our homes and move in with him, but that's not an option right now. Like you, we rely on God and do everything we can. Let's pray for each other!
Oh Beth..I have been there..and having lived it..I still do not have an answer for you.. My dad passed from Emphasiema, the day after his funeral my mom was in the hospital with congestive heart failure along with diabetes, after her hospital stay she had to go to a rehab, and she hated it,, this timid, sweet woman threw a phone at one of the nurses… and myself and my 3 other sibling who all lived in the same town, visited her every day as well as numerous times a day, she was still unhappy.. my parents were married for 56 yrs..and it was so hard , and no where even near "being fair" , but in a matter of months she got a little more comfortable and knew that she could not take care of her self.as far as trusting her with the facility she is in..MAKE YOURSELF VERY VISIBLE, DAY AND NIGHT, NEVER GO AT THE SAME TIME SAME DAY. and if i had it to do over again, i would of done a nanny cam. just to ease my mind . YOu are doing all you can Im sure,, and Im sure your mom knows that,,give her the right and time to adjust,,she is mornin her old way of life.. she will adjust..
I wish i could give you happier news..but this is a hard time in her life,and in yours,,but make the best of it.. be cheerful and positive when you visit, and take her out side as much as you can and enjoy the simple things in life and enjoy each other…
Hi Beth, since you have discovered the Eldercare locater, you might already be aware of this but try contacting your local Area Agency on Aging. Case managers can help you navigate the maze of care options.
i am so sorry you are dealing with this. i watched my mom care from my grandpa when he was sick with cancer and how hard it was and yet what an amazing daughter she was… part of what makes me still long for a daughter of my own. God will lead you and show you. i hope He opens a way for you to have your mom where she will be most happy. i can't even imagine.
my recent post: you cannot have it all
Beth,
I can't say that I know exactly how you feel but I did watch my Dad go through it. And because his parents were more of a Mom & Dad to my Mom, she went through it as well. Dad was determined that his parents would never see the inside of a nursing home. And he was successful. But also my parents were not trying to raise a small child such as you are. My Mom is also a nurse and my Dad helped her study all through her college so he picked up a lot. My Dad went without sleep, cleaned and mowed two houses, and ran all the time. My Mom would come home from a 12 hour shift and get them cleaned up, turned, and ready for bed. I don't know if I could have done it. They are strong people, that is for sure!
Be strong! God will never give you what you can't handle! I'll be praying for you!